Continuing from the previous post, let us continue understanding the nuances of the human mind, for the more we understand the mind, the better we understand ourselves, and the more we understand ourselves, we are better equipped to understand the people in our lives.
So, let us once again dive deep into the mysteries of our minds:
ABS (Achcha Bachcha Syndrome)
Many of us are indoctrinated to be the good, well behaved child, and more often than not, it is a survival mechanism, for that was the only way we had learned as a child that we would be noticed, or able to maintain peace at home. How often have you heard this phrase, "You are more mature than your age"? Even though this is usually said as a compliment, it is something to be concerned about, for a person who is forced to be mature beyond their age is usually in survival mode and this pattern over time gets internalized to the level of their nervous system. Such a person is likely to engage in fawning, and in the process of go overboard in terms of helping behaviors.
What perpetuates this behavioral pattern is something I find quite fascinating; while on the surface level what is visible is the helplessness of the person suffering, but underneath, on an unconscious level, while most people are waiting for the compliment/vote of approval ("I am proud of you my child!") from one/both of their parent(s), some people enjoy making others dependent on them (it makes them feel powerful), others can become okay being the martyr for deep down they believe that the universe shall one day reward them for their good karma and a hero shall arrive, doing everything for them, what they have been doing for others.
It is good to be good, but what one needs to be mindful of is what is the cost they are having to pay to be good; is it a trade-off or a compromise? And if it is a compromise, what is being compromised? Your physical/mental health? If your health is indeed at stake, it is a good idea to reevaluate and ask yourself why you are okay being not okay, for unlike the famous quote, it is not always okay to not be okay, especially when that becomes a perpetual state of being.
Accountability
At times a person can be seen playing the victim card, but not taking appropriate action to come out of their situation. This happens because as long they are the victim, anything that goes wrong in their life, automatically becomes the other person's fault; all their failures can be blamed on the other. This pattern can be further traced to one's lack of confidence on the own abilities; their ability to successfully live life. And since they are confident that they will mess up their life if they take charge, but at the same time, taking responsibility after things actually go south takes courage, and hence the person opts to surrender their responsibility preemptively.
Deep down the person is battling their insecurities, but what is seen on the surface level is a person who is running away from their responsibilities and refusing to take accountability of their life. So if you come across someone who seems to be stuck in a rut, enable them to face their fears and overcome their insecurities, instead of labelling them as someone who doesn't seem to want to come out of their rut. Understanding the fears will help to identify the roots of these behavioral patterns and open the door to address the problem where it might have begun.
Forgiveness
Your past is less of what really happened to you and more of how you choose to remember it.
When we are forgiving someone, we need to realize that we are not actually forgiving the person, but the memory they gave us; a memory which is a product of the unique circumstances of that moment. And the nature of memory is such that it is never recollected objectively for it is mutilated by our perceptions, belief systems, past learnings, and inner voice, among other factors. It is this very fact that makes the process of forgiveness difficult; the hate we harbor against someone is fueled by the above-mentioned factors and not just the act that was done.
Realization of this leads to another realization that the actual act might not have been as magnanimous as we recollect it to be. And something which is not significant is not worth holding on to. Yes, there are times when the act itself is intense, and this shall be referred to in a future post.
Furthermore, it is very possible for the mind to even forget why it is mad at someone at the first place, but continues to hang on to the anger because letting go the anger towards the other would possibly imply that there was a lapse in judgement on our end while assessing whether to trust someone or not and whether to allow them into our life or not, and that is a difficult pill to swallow. One the other side of the coin, this can also translate into denying that something happened to us, for accepting something did happen to us would lead to a cascade of thoughts in the aforementioned tangent (even though we might choose to deny and push the memory under the carpet, but that doesn't take away the associated emotions that remain stored within our body).
It is also the nature of memories that certain memories can overpower other memories. Due to our survival instincts developed over millions of years of evolution, negative memories have a tendency to overpower positive memories, but with conscious effort, we can make the reverse happen as well.
Breaking Promises
How comfortable are you to go back on your words? Does it always have to mean that you lied if you do so? It is very possible and plausible that when you said what you said, it was your reality, but after processing counter evidence, you realize that there was an error on your part; would you still choose to stick to your words, or would you apologize that you made an error? It doesn't make you a liar, but a human, for whom it is not possible to possess perfect knowledge.
Unfortunately, we are so strongly programmed to stick to our words that at certain times it can prove to be counterproductive; we might even weave a tale to prove those claims we had previously made. We are afraid of coming across as dishonest, while failing to realize that the denial of reality is a greater act of dishonesty than the error of the first statement, for this can involve lying to yourself and convincing yourself that it is the counterevidence that is false.
A question that arises out this is, why do we hate liars and dishonest people? Yes, even keeping aside the social and moral aspects, it is not wise, nor is it healthy to lie to anyone, but where are these strong emotions rooted? For some of us, the pain of disappointment we faced in the past upon finding that someone broke our trust, makes us aversive to dishonesty (so that we don't have to go through the same experience again). For some of us, our past experience of having lied to someone and the consequences that followed play a huge role (we want to avoid punishment). For some of us, there might not have been direct experiences, but rather we observed that consequences of dishonesty among our loved ones (we don't want to experience what they did). While for some of us it is the fear of not being liked by others (and consequently dying alone), that makes us aversive to the concept of dishonesty.
And when we practice something that we have such strong aversion towards, it is all but natural to experience equally strong feelings of guilt ("How could I do this? This is not me!") and it is the nature of the human mind to preserve the construct of perceived identity (a person will always find ways of finding "facts" that align with what they consider to be their identity).
Identity, Attachment, and Success
Any aspect of our life that we get attached to, becomes our identify ("I am a man", "I am a son". "I am a citizen", so on, so forth), and greater the success we experience in a particular aspect of our life, the more attached we get to that identity (people usually don't want to be associated with the identity of a failure).
With regard to identity, I personally like to conceptualize identity has having four layers. The first layer is "I am"; this is the most abstract and subjective layer and the way I concretize this layer is through a process of elimination, or in other words, understanding the other layers. The second layer is "I possess"; this refers all those aspects that nobody can take away from me (I possess this body, I possess my intellect, I possess my experiences, I possess my skills, etc.). The third layer is "I rent"; this refers to all those aspects that I need to put effort to sustain and retain (I rent my health, I rent success, I rent relationships, I rent status, I rent material wealth, etc.). The final layer is "I spectate"; this refers to those aspects that can influence my state of being, but the influence goes through a conscious screening process (I spectate culture, I spectate societal norms, I spectate familial values, etc.).
It is important to practice detachment, but yes, it is easier said than done, for we are prone to attach our identity to the various layers of our life. Being mindful of this process has helped me personally to not only consciously practice attachment (attachment is not the problem, but rather problem arises when we are not able to detach from what we are attached to), but also to be aware of what I am prioritizing in my life at the current moment.
Wants and Lacks
This one was a pretty unpleasant realization for me... We want things which we don't have in life, but when we reflect upon our wants (especially our material wants), it often metaphorically represents a deeper internal void that we are trying to fill. For example, buying a luxury brand might be a way of filling a love and acceptance void ("See mom/dad, I can now afford luxury brands, which means I have respect in the society, so am I now worthy of your love?"), while buying a house might be a way of filling an adequacy void ("See mom/dad, if I really was as useless as you think I am, I would not be having my own house; I can now take care of myself and the family I am building/going to build for myself! Now do you think I am good enough?")
There is nothing wrong in having such desires, it is rather necessary for our growth journey, but it is a healthy practice to be mindful of the roots of these desires and to be clear about why we actually want what we want. The clarity not only helps us in avoiding unnecessary purchases, but also helps us to enjoy more heartily once the purchase is made.
A few questions that are worth asking ourselves here are, "Whatever we are wanting to have, what is the real purpose of having it?" "How different would my life really be once I get what I want?" "What are the emotions I feel when I imagine a life without receiving what I want?" "Who do I want to impress the most by making this purchase?"
Our inner voids can manifest in non-materialistic ways as well; for example, the need for perfection can be a reflection of a worthiness/adequacy void ("Look mom/dad, I have achieved perfection, are you proud me now?"), while the desire to constantly engage in philanthropic acts can be a reflection of a validation void ("Mom/dad, look at what I have been doing! Do you think I have been a good son/daughter?")
Just like the materialistic desires, the non-materialistic desires also serve a healthy purpose as long as they are practiced mindfully.
This is in no way intended to oversimplify our desires, but on contrary, this highlights how complicated our minds are and how what we perceive as our reality, can have much deeper roots than we anticipated.
Which aspect of the human mind fascinated you the most? Share your thoughts in the comments section.
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